Let's Be Real

People don't know how difficult it is for me to share. Anything. Money. Things. Words. Thoughts. My Life. I'd rather everything be mine and mine for me only. Not in a selfish way, but sharing doesn't do anything to me. Maybe that's why I can share now like nothing. It means nothing. Nothing. Not anymore. At least nothing that matters. I can't reaaly say how I feel. Then everybody would hate me. I think they already do. So why be nice anymore? 'Cause its the right thing to do.

Said who? Said me. I know what's right and wrong. Unlike 99.9% of people. Even when I do wrong, I know its wrong. I feel like fuck this rap shit. All the time. Every day. That's right. I hate rap. I hate hip hop. It's garbage that's polluted the minds of many like mine. Then again.... everything about being independent, a business man, a hustler (not even in a drug sense). It gave me confidence to not give a fuck. In a good way or bad. Sometimes you have to not give a fuck. Like its time to get on stage. Now, don't just not give a fuck. Then I'd be drunk up there doin' who knows what. But I can't be stressin right before. There's a balance. You will never not have stress. Anytime in life. Just learn to deal with it. Or better yet, use it as motivation and energy. That's all stress and anxiousness is. Unchanneled energy.

So lately I've been down. Down in money, Down in friends and fam, down in energy, down in life. But I'm not givin up. 

I dedicated my current life (and most of it in total) on this music shit. Is it paying back. A little. Nowhere near what I've put it, funds and time. I'd be better off getttin' a regular job. Who'd hire me tho. I haven't tried in years and never had an actual job. Last time I went in for a job interview in a suit, they asked what my expierence was... Uhhhh none. So if its this many years later. And still no job experience, who's gonna hire me? It all goes through the system which will deny me right away. No references. And in media, its all again based of experience. You can't get hired as a camera man unless you have 5-10 years industry experience. Well I'm not interning for 5 fucking years. I made my own business in less time. Now I just gotta build it up.

I could DJ but I'm tired of playing these other rappers. Fuck them. They don't stand for anything. Not anymore. They need to move over. Not really into radio right now. Not into clubs. Just puttin out songs and raps for the streets. The streets are worldwide. Even if you're not street, you move through them to get anywhere right?

This is my promotional stage. First was like a developmental stage. Gettin the sound right. Recording and getting used to be consisitent. Gettin some content and things set up like the site. Get some on stage experience. I've done radio, live shows, put out songs. Gotten better at mixing. Still always improving.

So people don't realize I do all of this. I'm a writer, I write my lyrics; engineer I record my raps, edit them, make my beats (well some); photographer takin my own pics, selfies, tripods, proping the camera on random shit. Camera man, director, video editor. Web designer - made and set up this site. I'm my own driver, manager, all that. I'm my own promoter, designing flyers, printin them, cuttin' them. I have to hang them up, pass them out to people who don't give a fuck. Even if they do take it, doubt they look at it. Oh well, its a numbers game. You have to be comfortable with rejection. Its their loss. You seen the one where Hank Hill passed out flyers while everyone was sellin grills, then at the end the one customer with a flyer from before returned for a big sale. Yeah its like that.

Oh and yeah. So lately I've been playing a lot of deep tracks. And bumpin it loud. So what if the neighbors like it or not. I don't talk to any of them. My favorite rap line I think ever is from Tony Yayo - "And my neighbors don't speak, why? They all white." Truest shit I've ever heard and lived my entire life. I don't even try to talk to them anymore. What's the point.

And what's the point of anything. Friends - can't trust 'em. Bitches - can't trust 'em. Family - ehhh.... I really can't fully trust anyone. And nobody should. Never put your life in another's hands. They will slip, most times on purpose. I can't trust myself. Only one I trust 100% is GOD. If he thinks I should still be here, and gave me life in the first place then HE's the one I will die for. Nothing else matters anymore.

So once I've felt like I'm good with this rap shit. You'll never see me again. Ever. Not telling where I'm goin. Just know. I - will - be - gone. And success doesn't measure if I made it in this rap shit. Once I feel like I got enough material out and said enough to prove my point, I'm good. I don't need the money. I'll be better off doin somethin behind the scenes away from public view. That was the original plan. 

I was more into videos, editing, djing, and promoting other artists. Then I got tired of people. Businesswise and in general. Its nothing for me to talk to almost nobody, but close family for years. I've done it before. No explinations needed. I don't owe people nothing. When I'm around they don't care what I'm doing.... If I don't see them for a while they don't say hey what you been up to or let me know what they've been doing. Its only when people need something. Then I'm not around and somehow I abondoned everyone. What the fuck has anyone done for me lately? I'm not asking for shit either. I don't want it. (Ok beats and verses, that's it)

Shout out to my rap partners Counsil members. lil.dmt, Frossy, and MF Birdie. I don't hang out with them often, and right now can't really do to living situations. To be honest, I'm kinda glad. I can't deal with people on the regular. Just talking to them online and on the phone is draining. Like I said my ideal world is me, myself, and I.  Then I have nobody to worry about or blame.

Not in a bad way. I'm just a solitary person. I spend probly 1-2 hours with my mom every day, most of the time not even agreeing on anything. Then the rest of the day, I'm by myself. And that's 7 days of the week. Unless I go out to  go to a rap show or performance or somethin.  So like 2-3 times a month. Shout out to MF Birdie. For just being a friend to hang out with at shows. I see my sister and niece about once a month. And my dad about 1 a month or so. That's about it as far as people in my life right now. Me and music. And God.

Shout out to lil.dmt and Frossy and MF Birdie for fuckin with the rap vision. That means a lot to me. When I got into a fight with an old friend, no longer talking to, the worst thing he said was "Your music shit is a joke" Oh that was it..... Didn't end well for him. Then  once  he loses each round , "get off me, I'm done, blah blah" Then talks shit again.  So ok its on again.  "Waaah I'm done" Then he did the worst thing to  do to me. Look into my eyes. And when I'm mad. He thought that was supposed to calm me down . That's like looking a blood thirsty bear or lion in the eye. You ever looked a dog too close in the face, and it growls? Animal instinct.  The only thing that calmed  me down , is when he yelled "nnnoooo helpppp meeee" like a  biaatch.  Oh yeah he hit me first, so self defense. If any of this even happened. Might just be a fictious story I made up.

I think I want to save everyone. Before myself even. I'll rap a bunch of bullshit just to put a positive message in there. I got nothing to lose. Not much to gain. Nothin I want at least. 

What I realize tho, is people don't want to be saved until they want to be saved. Most of the time its too late. Well sucks for them.... Ha haha. I shouldn't laugh, but there's no excuse anymore. Nobody doesn't know what drugs do. "I didn't think I'd get hooked!!!" Yeah you thought you would beat the odds. You knew the risk and odds. You gambled. Another mistake. 

Don't trust nobody.